


Rebuilding You and Me

by tinyarmedtrex



Category: IT (2017), IT (2019), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Divorce, Eddie has a lot of feelings, Eddie marries Myra, Fix It Fic, I mean, Kinda canon, M/M, Reddie, Stan is still dead, and he's trying, but Eddie lives, chap 2, more canon than I usually write, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-02-29 06:04:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18772756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyarmedtrex/pseuds/tinyarmedtrex
Summary: After the events of Pennywise Richie can’t imagine losing Eddie again, not after decades without him. He asks Eddie to move in with him but Eddie says no, saying that they don’t know each other anymore, that he needs to get back to his wife but Richie knows it’s a mistake. Eddie returns to New York and Richie to LA, leaving them both to figure out what it is they truly want.





	1. Chapter 1

In future years, Richie would remember the day after they defeated IT as the Impossible Day. Impossible for so many reasons. First and foremost, they were alive. All of them made it out alive. Mike was in the hospital, Eddie was missing an arm and all of them were battered and bruised (physically and psychologically) but they were  _ alive _ . It was more than Richie ever expected, especially down in the sewers when they had been up against IT disguised as a giant spider. Richie had known real fear only a few times in his life and that, seeing Eddie lying in a pool of his own blood while IT reared back to attack again, that was an image he’d never forget. 

The second reason was that they were all together again- at least, most of them. It was impossible to forget that one of them was missing. Stan hadn’t showed up and Mike had been the one to tell them what happened. It had ripped through all of them, the loss of someone before the battle even began. Though Richie suspected that Stan had been fighting a battle none of them had seen for a long time. 

Even with only the six of them Richie had felt something pulsing, something old and powerful that only happened when they were all together.  He had forgotten the power in that, how it felt to be with the other losers. Something pulsed through them when they were all there, something that felt, well, impossible. Everything about this felt impossible- that he could have ever forgotten his friends, that they were together now, that Eddie- his Eddie- was so close that Richie could reach out and touch him.

Of course, Eddie wasn’t his, Richie remembered as he glanced at Eddie, lying so still in the hospital bed that he could have been dead. The stump that had been his left arm was wrapped up, looking less like an arm and more like a single colored maypole.  Even with his wedding ring gone deep down IT’s gullet, Eddie was married. 

He couldn’t resist reaching over and smoothing down a stray strand of hair, his hand lingering on Eddie’s forehead. Richie was glad he was finally sleeping. He had been having nightmares all night, tossing and turning, until the doctors finally gave him something to knock him out. Richie suspected that they would all be having nightmares for some time. 

“Knock knock,” His head whipped up as Ben and Bev entered the room, holding hands. “Hey Richie.” Ben said, smiling warmly at him. Richie was again shocked that he he could have ever forgotten them, his best friends. 

“He’s still asleep,” Richie explained, though it was obvious. “Doctors said that he’s fine except for-” He shrugged and they nodded. 

“Have you showered yet Richie?” Bev asked, her voice soft but insistent.

He shook his head. He knew he was still covered in dirt and grim from the sewers but, “I wanted to be here, when he woke up.” He gestured to Eddie, unable to stop his eyes from catching on how abruptly his arm ended. He couldn’t let Eddie wake up alone. 

“We’ll stay.” Ben offered. “Go to the hotel, take a shower. Maybe grab Eddie’s clothes.” Ben paused then. “If you can.” For all they knew Eddie’s room was still roped off, a crime scene for a murder none of them felt any guilt for. 

“You’ll feel better.” Bev added.

Richie looked at Eddie once more, then ran a hand through his hair. The greasiness of it convinced him. He nodded. “I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Take your time.” Bev said, pulling him into a tight hug. 

Richie went back to his hotel room, almost falling asleep in the shower. He hadn’t realized how tired he was until he was alone. He refused to sink into it though, knowing he’d probably sleep for 10 hours if he laid down now. 

Once he was in clean clothes he felt better. Holding his dirty ones he decided to throw them away, there was no chance that he could wear them again without thinking of those sewers.

Next he went to Eddie’s room and slipped under the police tape. He started throwing things in a suitcase he found, carefully avoiding the blood stains on the floor. He thought about bringing Eddie’s things to his room but he didn't know if that was what Eddie wanted. They hadn’t been able to talk about next steps. They hadn’t talked about anything. Everything had been about surviving the that day, not about what happened next. 

Richie paused, remembering how it felt when he saw Eddie in the Chinese restaurant, the memories returned in pieces but the emotions hit him like a tidal wave. How he felt when his arm was around Eddie, the way his stomach dropped when Eddie smiled at him, all the  _ almosts  _ they had. He gripped the handle of the suitcase, praying that he wasn’t the only one who felt like that. He couldn’t be. 

Forcing himself to focus he left the room, heading back to the hospital. The drive took a while, since much of the town had collapsed but Richie didn’t mind. It gave him time to think about everything that had happened, time to actually process the last 47 hours.

Of course as soon as he had time to think he wished for a distraction. It was too much; everything had a surreal feel to it, like it had been a vivid dream, and Richie felt the fear creeping back in, the terror that maybe IT wasn’t dead, that it had somehow fooled them again. There was nothing else for him to focus on though. He wasn’t ready to turn on the radio, not after ‘Richie’s All Dead Rock Show’ blaring out last time he had. 

He finally made his way back to the hospital, stopping by Mike and Audra’s rooms first. Mike was awake and asked about the others but Richie didn’t stay to talk long, he was itching to get back to Eddie. He promised to see him again before he left town. 

Audra’s room was easier to leave. Bill barely glanced at Richie when he walked in, too focused on his wife. He mumbled a few one word answers to Richie’s questions, his mind clearly elsewhere. Richie left quickly. Finally, he went back to Eddie’s room, both disappointed and a little relieved to hear that Eddie hadn’t stirred. 

“What are you going to do Richie?” Bev asked when he slipped back in the room. She and Ben had pushed the chairs together, Bev’s head rested on Ben’s shoulder. 

“Go home, try to forget.” He said, falling into the final chair and rubbing his face. He had gotten some coffee on his way back in but it wasn't helping. 

Bev shook her head and raised an eyebrow, looking at the sleeping figure in the bed. “With Eddie?” She added.

He sighed, leaning over and grabbing Eddie’s hand in his own and giving it a small squeeze. “I don’t know. I-” He hesitated, not sure if he should tell them. But then, this was Bev. And Ben. Even if it had been years since they talked he knew that they’d understand and wouldn’t judge him. 

“I want him to come back, with me.” He said it as much to them as himself. “I don’t want to lose him again.” 

“So ask him.” Ben said. 

“He’s married.” Richie forced himself to say it out loud, his stomach twisting as he did. 

“Not happily,” Bev mumbled, looking at her hand where her own ring had been only yesterday. 

“It’s been decades. We don’t know each other anymore.” He was making excuses and they knew it. But he was scared, both to lose Eddie and to ask him to come because if he said no Richie wasn’t sure how he could go back to his empty house, knowing that he’d never see Eddie again. 

Ben shook his head. “I don’t think it matters. For any of us.” He looked at Bev and she gave a firm nod. He stood and put a hand on Richie’s shoulder. “If the past few days taught us anything it’s that life is short, ask the man to move in.” 

“When did you get so wise?”

Ben laughed. “It’s my old age.” 

Bev walked over and wound her hands around Ben’s waist, leaning into him. “We’re going to visit the others. We should all get dinner later, before we go.” Without it being explicitly said everyone knew that Bev and Ben would be leaving together, like Richie hoped he could with Eddie. 

Once they left Richie turned his attention back to Eddie, looking at the small signs of aging on the sleeping man- small patches of gray hair, the beginnings of crow’s feet around his eyes. But it didn’t make him less handsome, rather it added to it. The only disappointment Richie felt was that he hadn’t spent those years with Eddie. 

“Why did I let you go Eds? What was I thinking?” He asked, rubbing his thumb on the back of Eddie’s hand. He couldn’t remember saying goodbye to Eddie, their last conversation. He hoped that he told Eddie how much he meant to him but, somehow, he doubted it. 

“I’ll make it up to you Eds, once you wake up.” 

Then, almost on cue, Eddie stirred. Richie pulled back, watching as Eddie slowly woke up, blinking and looking around. 

“Richie?” He asked, trying to sit up by leaning on his elbows but of course he couldn’t. “Where is-” He looked at his stump, his mouth dropping in panic and horror. “What HAPPENED? WHAT THE FUCK WHERE IS MY ARM?” 

Richie grabbed his shoulders, “Eds, breath, you need to breath. I’ll tell you but you need to relax.” Eddie’s eyes were wide, terrified and his breath was coming in short pants. Richie wasn’t sure that Eddie even heard him. A nurse appeared, checking Eddie’s charts and injectecting something into his IV.

“What was that?” Richie demanded, hands still on Eddie. 

“WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?” Eddie asked again, looking from Richie to the nurse to his arm. 

“I gave you something to calm you down.” She said. “You were in a car accident Mr. Kaspbrak.”

Eddie looked at Richie, immediately knowing that that was a lie, but they couldn’t exactly tell the hospital staff that Eddie’s arm was in an alien’s stomach. 

“What did you give him? Will it knock him out again?” Richie asked, looking at the nurse. He didn’t want Eddie to go under again. He needed to talk to him. Eddie had stopped screaming but now there were tears running down his cheeks and Richie desperately wanted to explain everything. 

“Are you family?” She asked, all business.

Richie shook his head, gripping Eddie a little tighter. “Well, no, not exactly.” 

“Then go.” She pointed to the door. “We need to discuss options with Mr. Kaspbrak.” 

Richie looked at Eddie again, hoping he’d say something  but he was too focused on his stump. “But I-” 

“Go.” She said firmly, pointing to the door. 

Richie left. He stood right outside the door, watching as a doctor went in, then a second nurse. Finally, nearly an hour later, they all left and he was allowed to go back in. 

Eddie looked calmer. He had an array of pamphlets and photos in front of him, options for his new arm. He looked up as Richie entered, eyes following him as Richie sat. 

“What really happened?” He asked, sounding exhausted. “The doctors said it was a car accident but don’t seem to believe it, then they told me about lotion and avoiding infection. Where’s everyone else? Are they okay?” There was an edge of worry in Eddie’s voice, fear that he was one of the lucky ones. 

“They’re alive.” He said softly, watching Eddie relax. “What do you remember?” 

Turned out he remembered most of it until his arm was bitten off. Richie took over from there, telling Eddie how they defeated IT and how Bill seemed certain that IT was really dead. He told Eddie about carrying his body out of the sewers, leaving out the part where he had to stop because he was crying too hard. He was sure Eddie was dead, they all were. He had been so still in Richie’s arms then, when they left the sewers, he’d taken a rasping breath, shocking everyone. 

“Mike is okay then? Audra?” Eddie asked once he finished.

Richie nodded. “Mike should be getting out today. Audra,” He sighed. “We’re less sure about Audra. But everyone is hopeful. She’s alive.” 

“That’s good.” Eddie said and Richie could see that he was already back to thinking about his arm. “They said I can leave today. But I don’t have any of my stuff. My clothes they’re all in the -” 

As Eddie had spoken Richie stood, grabbing the bag he brought. “Here, I grabbed what I could. At least you can change out of the hospital gown.” 

“Can I?” Eddie asked ruefully, looking at his stump. “I’m not sure I can.”

“I’ll help.” Richie offered. 

Eddie looked at him, eyes downcast. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to. I’ll even give you a sponge bath if you ask nicely.” Richie added with a wink.

Eddie laughed, the sound music to Richie’s ears. He hadn’t been sure he’d ever get to hear it again. “Tempting but I’ll pass. I might go wash my face though.” Eddie pulled himself out of the bed, moving slowly. Richie leapt up, worried that Eddie might fall, but he made it to the bathroom on his own. Richie stood near the door, ready to leap in if Eddie called. 

Once Eddie came out of the bathroom they started the slow process of getting him dressed. Eddie didn’t want help with most of it and Richie watched him struggle to button his pants or pull on his shirt. He kept huffing, obviously frustrated by his inability. After twenty minutes he finally agreed to let Richie button his pants and tie his shoes. 

“Good as new.” Richie said, smiling at his friend. 

“Hardly.” Eddie replied bitterly. “Getting dressed is going to take hours.” 

“Give it time.” He said, putting a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie looked up at him with a small smile that made his heart flip. “Hey Eds I was wondering-”

Of course that was when Mike came in. His arm was in a sling but otherwise he looked good, if tired. All of them needed to sleep for about three days, Richie was sure. As they talked he stepped back, listening to Mike describe the fight and Eddie talk about his arm. Ben and Bev showed up soon after, everyone hugging Eddie and saying how brave he was. Richie watched from the corner. He loved this, his friends being together again, but he wanted to talk to Eddie alone. He needed to talk to him. 

Eventually, Ben noticed that Eddie was yawning. “We should let you go.” He said. “We’re all meeting for dinner, hopefully Bill too.”

Eddie nodded and finally everyone else melted away, promising to text about dinner plans. Eddie turned to Richie. “Not sure where I can go. I guess I’ll rent a new room.” He grimaced, probably remembering the state of his room. “Wait- fuck, do they think I did it? Do they know?”

Richie shook his head. “We handled it.” Eddie raised an eyebrow and Richie quickly explained. Ben had dealt with it. The room was a crime scene but thankfully the hotel had cameras, they’d seen Henry enter and caught some of the attack. That, plus the destruction of the town, meant they were willing to let it go. 

“Well, good, I guess. I still don’t have a room though. Not sure I’m welcome back.”   
“You can stay in mine.” Richie offered quickly. Eddie raised an eyebrow so he continued. “I mean, why not. It’s easier. Not a lot of 5 star joints in Derry.” 

He thought that Eddie was going to disagree but he nodded, the two walking to Richie’s car. It was a quiet ride, Richie couldn’t bring himself to ask Eddie the question on his mind. And he was sure that Eddie had a lot on his.

They got back to the hotel room where Eddie again struggled to take his jacket off. Richie leaned in close, pulling Eddie’s jacket off from in front of him. They ended up close, Richie staring down at Eddie while Eddie looked up at him.

“Eddie,” Richie said quietly. His hand went to Eddie’s cheek without intending to and Eddie leaned into it. This was the closest they’d been in years and Richie felt like he was 14 again, about to have his first kiss. 

“Richie.” He replied. His lips were parted and his tongue darted out to wet them.

Richie bent down and brushed his lips against Eddie’s, slowly enough that Eddie could pull back.

He didn’t. He pushed himself against Richie and into the kiss, his one arm grabbing Richie’s and holding him close. 

Richie forgot about everything else as they kissed- the reason he was in Derry, his life back home, everything. 

Eddie pulled back, his lips wet from being against Richie’s. 

“Move to California with me.” Richie said, quickly before he lost his nerve again. 

“What?” Eddie squeaked, taking a step back. 

“Move in with me. We can figure out your prosthetic. You don’t have to- it doesn’t have be anything. Unless you want it to be. I don’t know. But fuck, Eds. I don’t want to lose you again.” _ I can’t lose you again _ , Richie added silently, aching to reach out for Eddie, to hold him. 

But Eddie was shaking his head. “That’s insane Rich. We barely know each other, it’s been decades.” 

“What? There’s no one I know better than you.” Richie asked, confused. This wasn’t the answer he had expected. Eddie was still shaking his head and Richie pressed on.  “We’re meant to be, can’t you see that?” He grabbed Eddie’s hand in his own, pressing it to his heart. “I don’t want to go back to life without you. Do you Eds?”

Eddie swallowed, ignoring his question. “I’m married!” The other man protested, ripping his hand back. “Myra? Remember?”

“Do you love her?” Richie challenged. He couldn’t let him go this easily. 

“I-” Eddie’s eyes darted around and he took another step back. “I need to shower Richie.” 

Richie stepped aside, gesturing sarcastically to the bathroom. He was torn between being furious and broken. Eddie’s answer devastated him. He had been so sure that Eddie would say yes, that he’d be as excited as Richie, he never considered what he’d do if Eddie said no. He couldn’t imagine getting back on that plane and leaving everyone again, Eddie especially. 

Falling to his bed, Richie covered his eyes with an arm, everything finally sinking in- losing Stan, Mike’s injuries, the sewers, Eddie… Eddie. He let himself feel it and soon he was crying, his tears falling onto the pillow. When he heard the shower turn off he forced himself to stop, taking deep breaths in and out until it didn’t hurt so much. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How’s jacking off with it?” Richie asked six weeks later when Eddie was telling him that he needed to practice using the arm. He expected to get yelled at or beep’ed but Eddie just groaned.
> 
> They were on video call so he got to see Eddie’s grimace. “Fucking sucks. I can’t use my left hand and I’m terrified to touch myself with the robot hand.”
> 
> Richie threw back his head and laughed. “Ah Eds, shit. Isn’t that what the wife is for?”
> 
> “We’re not- we don’t- we aren’t really sleeping in the same bed anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning/ Heads up: there's a short underage smut scene in this chap, about 3/4 of the way down

Richie dropped his bag, looking around his small townhouse. When he’d bought it nearly a decade ago he’d loved it- it was near the beach but still quiet, small but big enough for him to have friends over. It had been perfect. It had been his sanctuary for years, a place to escape from his fans and the general overwhelming noise that was California. 

He loved his house but right now it was the last place he wanted to be. The homes felt empty, lonely. It lacked the people he cared about the most and that made him hate it. He couldn’t stop thinking about Mike’s warm laugh or Ben’s kind eyes. It had only been a few hours but there was already an ache in his chest. How he went to many years without them he had no idea.

That wasn't quite true. He’d had this ache before, this pain, it was just that now he could put a name to it. What before he thought was a mental breakdown was this, was them. Being able to name the ache only made it a little better. 

Even though he wasn’t hungry he threw open the fridge, internally debating whether his milk had expired before closing it. As he did his mind wandered to that morning. Everyone had crowded around him, the first to leave. There had been tears and promises to stay in touch followed by long hugs where no one wanted to let go. Richie had insisted that everyone get skype on their phones, he needed to know that he could see them again and they’d all agreed- Mike even promised to replace his old flip phone with a smartphone, just for them. 

Then of course there was Eddie. The smaller man had accepted a quick hug from Richie, pulling back as soon as he could and not looking Richie in the eye. Richie had swallowed his tears, swallowed the desire to beg Eddie once more to come with him. Eddie had been clear about his decision and Richie could respect that, he had too. He didn’t think he had imagined it though, that Eddie’s eyes followed him as he went to his cab, yelling a final ‘Goodbye losers!’ as he got in, blowing them kisses from the window. 

Leaving Derry was easy. He’d never loved the town and now he had even worse memories of the place. Leaving his friends though, that sucked. 

He ended up grabbing a beer and falling to his couch, wondering how long he could wait to call them. He was sure that Ben and Bev were making up for lost time and that Mike was probably with Bill and Audra; the two were staying in town until Audra healed. Eddie though... He glanced at the time. Within the hour Eddie would be back in New York, back with his wife. A bitter taste appeared in his mouth as he thought about it. Even if Eddie didn’t want to be with him Richie knew that he shouldn’t be with her. He deserved to be happy. 

Idly, he turned on the TV, flipping through the channels and trying not to wallow. He was mid-Real World rewatch when his phone rang. 

He glanced at the caller. Eddie.

“Heya Eds, Eddie.” He answered, hoping that his nervousness didn’t come through. 

“Hey Richie.” The other voice was quiet, tentative. 

“What’s up?” 

“I can’t stop thinking about Stan.” He heard Eddie settle down, putting something down as he sat. “What do you think he was like? As an adult I mean. The way I remember him - fastidious, particular- do you think he outgrew that? Do you think he still rubbed his jaw when he was upset? Do you think he still liked birds? I wonder if he kept all those bird books you wrote in, where you scribbled dirty notes about their names?” His voice was a mix of sad and wistful, remembering their old friend. 

Richie hadn't been expecting that. He scrambled to think of something to say. “I think, I can’t imagine Stan outgrowing some of those quirks. I think he was still the Stan we knew, even if he had relaxed some.”

“But we’ll never know.” Eddie’s voice dropped again and Richie heard noise in the background. “We’ll never get to meet him as an adult.” 

“Where are you Eds?” 

“The airport. I missed my flight.”

Maybe it was stupid but something in Richie dared to hope when Eddie said that. “Why?

“I couldn’t- I don’t know.” He could almost see his friend rubbing his face. “I couldn’t get on it.” 

It took all his willpower for Richie to not jump on the hesitancy. He wanted to tell Eddie that it was because he didn’t belong with Myra, he belonged here, with Richie. But he couldn’t, he’d promised himself to respect Eddie’s decision, even if he hates it. 

“He was married.” Eddie added. It took Richie a second to realize he was talking about Stan again. “Do you think his wife knows why he died? What he was about to do? I can’t stop thinking about her finding him in the bathtub.” 

“Does Myra know why you went?”

The question was met with a sharp intake of breath then, “No. I didn’t tell her. How could I? I told her I made a promise to some old friends. She hated that.” 

“Stan probably felt the same.” 

Eddie let out a small hum of agreement. They fell quiet. Richie felt like Stan wasn’t the reason that Eddie called but he couldn’t quite work out how to say that. 

Finally Eddie spoke again. “I need to get on my new flight. It’s boarding.”

“You’re gonna get on it? Go back to New York?” He couldn’t stop the hope from creeping into his voice. 

“I am.” Eddie paused. “Richie can I - can I call you sometimes? I need to talk to someone about this and everyone else is…”

“You can call whenever you want Eds.” Richie said, sparing him from finishing the sentence.

“Thanks.” He heard some shuffling and then, “I need to go. Everything is way fucking harder with one arm.”

“I’ll talk to you soon.”  
“Bye ‘Chee.” 

They hung up and Richie fell back on the couch, trying to figure out what the hell that was. 

He didn’t expect Eddie to call again, at least not for a while. But that night when he was making dinner his phone rang again. “Hello hot stuff,” He answered, flipping his burger.

“Hey Richie.” It sounded like Eddie was outside, he could hear the sounds of traffic and other people. 

“No comment about the nickname? Something must be wrong.”

“I just finished talking to Myra.” Eddie’s voice was flat and Richie was sure there were oceans of implications behind what he said. 

“How did it go?”

“She-” He huffed. “She didn’t handle it well. I think she took it worse than I did. At first she screamed and pulled me into a hug but before long she was talking about all the pills I’d need, how she’d have to drive me to the hospital and all my appointments. Then she started asking what kind of friends would do that to me.”

“Sounds like Mrs. K,” Richie said, grabbing another beer. He was bordering on tipsy but it felt justified, he’d fought a killer clown from space and won, he deserved a drink or five.  

“Don’t remind me.” Eddie replied, sound miserable. “She’s researching all these options for therapy. I think she’s actually excited about all this, about taking care of me. About how much I need her now.” 

“Shit.” Richie didn’t know what else to say. Eddie clearly didn’t want to be dotted on but it sounded like Myra wasn’t giving him much of a choice. 

“Tell me about it. I left, told her I was going to check on the taxi business but I’m just walking around the block.” He paused. “I used to love New York but right now  it doesn't feel like home. Going on walks was my favorite thing for so long and now I just feel…”

“Isolated.” Richie said, looking around his place.

“How’d you know?”

“Feeling some of that too. My place feels too big and like I’m going to choke from the tightness of it at the same time.” 

Somehow he knew that Eddie was nodding. “I just got home and I’m already itching to leave. I don’t know where I’d go but I don’t want to be there, with her. I can’t act like nothing changed.” Eddie sounded sad. The kind of sadness that couldn’t be explained through words, the kind that needed to be felt. Richie knew it because he was carrying the same type of sadness. 

He was trying to think of what to say when Eddie drew a shuddering breath then said, “Tell me what you’re doing. Did I interrupt something fun?” 

“Just making some dinner. Burger and a salad, nothing exciting.” 

“I want to hear.” 

So Richie launched into a step by step explanation, including how he went to the grocery store and had debated for several minutes about whether to buy whole wheat buns only to decide, fuck it, life was short and white bread tasted better. Once or twice he made Eddie laugh and the sound filled him, making Richie feel lighter than he had all day. They talked for the next hour, mostly about stupid shit, some of it catching up and other stuff was musings about life. Richie couldn’t believe how easy it was to talk to Eddie, how neither one ever seemed to pause or run out of things to say.

“I’m back home.” Eddie eventually said. “Guess I should hang up.”

“Call me tomorrow?” Richie asked. 

“I might be busy. I’ve got to go back to work and figure out what the hell I’m doing about this arm.” 

“Then call late.” He insisted. “I’ll be up.” 

Eddie hesitated then agreed. “Okay ‘Chee, I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye.”

“Bye.” 

The calls became routine. Once or twice a day Eddie would call and they’d talk. Sometimes it was for hours, Eddie would call when he was out on his runs or after he had dropped off a client and had a long drive back. Other times it was shorter, Eddie calling to complain about something a doctor had said or how Myra thought that CBD oil was the solution to all his problems. Richie would listen sympathetically, swallowing the urge to tell him to leave her, and then Eddie would ask how he was, what was new with him. Richie looked forward to those calls, they quickly became the highlight of his day, hearing Eddie’s light giggle or listening to him explain a car issue, using words Richie had no hope of understanding.  

He talked to the others too, calling them at least once a week to check in and hear what was new. Ben and Bev always sounded disgustingly happy and Richie listened to their stories with a mixture of jealousy and overwhelming joy. Bill was flat, updating him on Audra and not much else. Mike was the most fun, they’d talk about books or sports, Richie extracted a promise for Mike to come visit him soon.  They emailed too, all of them planning a trip together to Georgia, to visit Stan’s grave, as soon as schedules allowed. 

Like it always had been though, his talks with Eddie were different. He talked about it with Bev and Mike, how he knew about Eddie’s therapy, about how he was getting fitted for a new arm and how he hated it. He knew that the stump itched and ached. He knew that Eddie wasn’t happy- even if he didn’t say it. He knew that he still loved Eddie, even if Richie didn’t say it. All of them knew it, probably even Eddie, but they were too good of friends to tell him to move on. Instead Mike made quiet comforting noises while Bev listened to Richie ramble about how awful Myra was, adding her own angry words to the mix. 

“How’s jacking off with it?” Richie asked six weeks later when Eddie was telling him that he needed to practice using the arm. He expected to get yelled at or beep’ed but Eddie just groaned.

They were on video call so he got to see Eddie’s grimace. “Fucking sucks. I can’t use my left hand and I’m terrified to touch myself with the robot hand.” 

Richie threw back his head and laughed. “Ah Eds, shit. Isn’t that what the wife is for?”

“We’re not- we don’t- we aren’t really sleeping in the same bed anymore.” Eddie said and Richie could picture the blush that was creeping over his face. He hadn’t mentioned that before - the two rarely actually discussed Myra, Eddie would throw in a sentence or two about her latest idea to fix him and Richie would bite his tongue from saying what he wanted. “We aren’t really together anymore. Actually.” Eddie added with a cough.

Richie didn’t know what to do with that information. His heart soared to hear it but the way Eddie said it made it seem like he didn’t want to discuss it. So Richie fell back on his standard- crude jokes. 

“Well damn Eds, you need to get laid.” 

“You say that like it’s easy.” Eddie mumbled.

An offer to help was on the tip of Richie’s tongue but he squashed it. He’d been so careful in these conversations, trying not to be suggestive or lewd in any way. It was hard but he was determined not to drive Eddie away. 

Eddie must have noticed his silence because he sighed. “Make the joke Richie it’s fine.”

“Nah it’s not as fun if I have your permission.” 

The other man chuckled. “Good to know.” Richie watched his eyebrow furrow and lips pucker. It was cute. Everything about him was cute. Eddie had been the one to suggest video calls, saying he didn’t want to forget Richie’s face again, and he’d been reluctant. Talking to Eddie was one thing but seeing him? That made all this a lot harder. 

“I miss you.” Eddie said. “It’s weird to say because I didn’t remember you existed two months ago but, dammit, I miss you.” 

“I’m right here.” 

Eddie shook his head. “Not like that. Like, do you remember that night at the barrens when we were alone?” 

Richie exhaled, shaking his head. “Fuck. Yes, of course I remember that.” They’d been 16 and eager to experiment. Even though the two weren’t together- not in the way either of them secretly wanted to be- they still found each other whenever the other was lonely.

That night had been no different. After a fight with his mom Eddie had called Richie and they’d gone swimming, the two laughing and dunking each other. Then something had shifted and they’d been kissing feverishly, Eddie’s hands running over Richie’s torso while his legs wrapped around him. It had been so easy to hold Eddie up in the water, allowing Richie’s hands to run over his back as they kissed.

Wordlessly their hands had moved down, slipping into swimsuits and grabbing each other, their moans echoing around them. Neither had last long but it hadn’t mattered, it had been perfect. 

“I’ve never forgotten that Eds, that was the first time someone else touched my dick.”

“Me too.” Eddie said quietly. He was biting his bottom lip and Richie wanted nothing more than to pull it out with his thumb. 

“What brought that on Eds?”

“I’ve been thinking about it- at night. When I’m alone.” 

Richie moaned, shaking his head. “What are you doing? Are you trying to kill me?”

“No I- I miss you.” Eddie admitted, looking at him. “I mean I miss everyone but - we’ve always been different, right Richie?”

He nodded, trying to tread carefully. “Yea Eds, we’re different.” He met Eddie’s eyes, desperately wishing they were in the same place. 

“I can’t believe I forgot about you. You were my first- everything. And I forgot.” He sounded disappointed in himself, his eyes dropped. This wasn't like their other conversations, the ones about daily life. Richie knew that Eddie was thinking hard about something, even if he wasn’t ready to tell Richie what. 

“It wasn’t your choice Eds, it was IT. You know that. No one blames you.” 

Eddie nodded but Richie knew he wasn’t convinced. Richie let out a low growl and Eddie’s head snapped up. “I wish you were here. I want to hold you, pull you into my lap.” He ached with it, with the desire to comfort Eddie. His friend looked so sad and Richie felt like a failure that all he could offer was words. 

“What else would you do?” Eddie asked quietly. Richie felt whiplash from this conversation but he also understood- it was hard to process all the emotions he felt talking to Eddie, shifting from hope to despair so easily. His eyes met Richie’s and Richie had to stifle another groan. No one else had ever had this effect on him. He could pretend that it was because Eddie was his first and he still harbored a 15 year old’s crush on him but he knew it wasn’t just that, there was something special between them, between all of them. You didn’t defeat a demon clown with someone without forming some intense bonds.

“I can’t Eds.” He said, shaking his head. “I want you and you know that but I can’t have this halfway. It’ll kill me.” It was the closest he’d come to admitting his feelings again. As much as he tried to keep the calls light when Eddie said things like that it took all his self control not to give in. 

Some of the intensity drained out of Eddie, though it did nothing to make Richie want him less. Eddie looked like he wanted to say something but instead he nodded. “You’re right. I’m still- you’re right.” 

“I love you Eds.” Richie had started saying it at the end of their conversations, not expecting Eddie to reply. But after seeing Eddie in the hospital - the image had given him nightmares for weeks- he’d decided that he’d never miss the chance to say it again. He said it to all the losers, now that he knew how easy it was to lose people. 

“Bye ‘Chee.” Eddie said, hanging up before Richie could respond. 

Richie had a feeling that he had missed something from that conversation, that Eddie was saying more than he let on, but Richie knew better than anyone that he couldn’t make Eddie talk; it was up to Eddie when he decided to open up. Sighing, he opened his book, trying to focus on mystical dragons rather than the man who was hundreds of miles away. 

The next day Eddie didn’t call. They’d texted in the morning and nothing had seemed amiss but now it was past Eddie’s east coast bedtime and Richie was growing concerned. He thought about calling Eddie but it felt like crossing a line. Through unspoken agreement Richie never called, at first it had been because of Myra and not wanting her to find out about them but then it just, continued. Richie let Eddie decide when to contact him, putting the ball in his court. Now though, Richie’s fingers itched to dial the number, to hear Eddie’s voice.

He resisted. Eddie might be busy- Richie racked his mind to remember what Eddie was doing that day and didn’t remember anything out of the ordinary but it was possible something had come up. Forcing himself to put down his phone he instead picked up his guitar. Every song he played reminded him of Eddie. 

When Eddie didn’t call the next day Richie started to get worried. Again, he’d replied to texts but it had been short, with none of his normal sarcasm. Richie called the others, asking if they knew anything. The answers were all the same; no they hadn’t heard from Eddie, no they didn’t know if anything was wrong. 

After he hung up with Bill, his last call, he decided he had to call Eddie. If he was being honest with himself he’d been avoiding it. He didn’t understand why Eddie hadn't called and was worried he’d done something, overstepped some boundary that he didn’t know about. Taking a deep breath Richie hit number 1 on his speed dial. It rang through to Eddie’s voicemail, where a chipper Eddie asked him to leave a message.

“Fuck,” He said to himself, unsure what to do next.

Then his phone buzzed. A text from Eddie. “I’ll talk to you soon.” Richie didn’t know what that meant but at least he wasn’t being ignored, it was something. 

He turned to his kitchen, deciding to distract himself with cooking. It at least gave his mind something to do besides running through scenarios about what was wrong. In his most brazen idea Richie would hop on a plane to New York and refuse to leave until Eddie came with him. He saw himself yelling at Myra and telling her to leave Eddie alone and then pulling Eddie up to him and kissing him for all he was worth. It was a stupid fantasy but one Richie couldn’t let go of. He wanted to be the hero in Eddie’s story, even if he knew the man didn’t need rescuing. 

Richie  was just plating his meal when the doorbell rang, which was odd. He wasn’t expecting anyone and normally the only people who rang his doorbell were high schoolers trying to sell something but it was too late for that.

“Coming!” He called, wiping his hands off on his apron. 

“What can I do for-” Richie’s sentence was cut off as he saw who was on the other side. It was Eddie, a bag thrown over his shoulder and suitcases behind him. He flushed pink as Richie stared at him.

“Hey ‘Chee, can I come in?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI I'm expecting (hoping) that this will be on the shorter side, maybe 4 chaps


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The room isn’t much.” Richie said as they walked. “But it’ll be yours, as long as you want it. I might be a terrible roommate though, it’s been a long time since I've had to live with anyone.”
> 
> He took several more steps before he realized that Eddie had stopped. Richie turned and Eddie said, “Roommates? Is that what you want to be?” 
> 
> His heart started to hammer, barely daring to let himself read into that statement. “I don’t know Eds. What do you want to be?”

Richie stared. He stared for longer than he should have but he couldn’t wrap his brain around what he was seeing, Eddie standing there on his doorstep, bags surrounding him.

Eddie. 

His Eddie.

Not his Eddie but- 

Fuck it. His Eddie was there.

Finally Eddie coughed. “Or I can stay in a hotel? If this is too much. It’s too much, isn’t it? I’ll go.”

That finally snapped him from his stupor. “No!” Richie cried. “No, shit, yea come on. I’ll grab your bags.” He ushered Eddie in, still in complete disbelief that Eddie was there. 

“I would have called but it’s hard to carry bags and call with one arm.” Eddie said, sounding embarrassed. “I need to get a handless headset or something.” He babbled nervously as Richie brought his bags in.

Once everything was in Richie shut the door and the two stared at each other. Then both started talking at once. 

“Are you hungry? I have some-” 

“This is weird, I can-”

They laughed and Richie swallowed. “Let me try again.” He stepped in closer to Eddie. “I’m really glad you’re here.” He said quietly, staring at him again but this time to soak him in, to prove to himself that Eddie was there. God, he wanted to touch him.

“Can I hug you?” 

Eddie swallowed a sob and nodded. Cautiously, Richie went to him, wrapping his arms around Eddie and avoiding the stump. Eddie practically fell into him, burying his head in Richie’s shoulder. “I missed you.” Eddie said, his voice muffled. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to tell you then chicken out.” 

“Eds, it’s fine.” He couldn’t find the words to tell him just how fine it was. Eddie was standing in his entry way. He’d had dreams about this. “How long are you staying?”

Eddie looked up at him and for the first time Richie thought that he looked his age. He was worn, tired from the travel. He had dark circles under his eyes and slumped shoulders. Richie was sure his arm hurt but that he’d never say it. The trip probably took a lot out of him, physically and mentally. Richie couldn’t imagine it. 

“For the foreseeable future? If that’s okay? I can’t be in New York and I didn’t know where else to go.” 

“Of course it is.” He cupped Eddie’s cheek, unable to stop touching him. An irrational part of him thought that if he did Eddie would disappear and he couldn’t handle that. “Have you been sleeping?” He asked, rubbing the circles under Eddie’s eyes. Too late he realized that he shouldn’t, that he had no right, but Eddie didn’t seem to mind, his eyes closed as Richie’s thumb swept over his skin. 

The smaller man shook his head. “No every time I try to I see- him. IT. I dream about Bill or Bev or Mike dying.” His voice dropped. “Or you.” 

Richie pulled Eddie close again, not sure what to say. He knew it was a confession, maybe an explanation for why Eddie was there. Because he needed to see that Richie was still breathing. Richie understood that, god did he ever. Being apart from Eddie had been eating him alive. He hadn't been able to focus on anything else because some part of him was always thinking of Eddie. It was bordering on obsessive, he knew that but somehow he couldn’t stop. He felt Eddie’s arm wrap around him again and together they stood in Richie’s hallway, holding each other like they should have been doing from the beginning.

Richie finally made himself pull back, knowing otherwise he’d start crying. “Come on.” He took Eddie’s bag. “Let’s get your stuff to the guest room. You’re lucky I don’t buy much, you brought a lot.” 

“It’s all my stuff.” Eddie replied, a little sadly. “My life packed into three bags.”

Richie had been bending down to pick up a second bag but stopped, shaking his hand. “Eddie you’re so much more than the stuff you can carry. You know that.” Eddie shrugged, not believing him. “I know that we can’t tell anyone about what happened in Derry but all of us know you’re a hero. You took on Pennywise by yourself. You lost a fucking arm. Don’t you dare act like that doesn’t mean anything.” His tone was harsher than he intended but he needed Eddie to know, to understand. He was a hero, it didn’t matter that only a handful of people knew it. 

Eddie took a shaky breath and nodded. “I just - I went back to New York and no one knew. I couldn’t tell anyone. The world changed, completely and irreversibly, but not for anyone else. Most days I felt like I was going crazy, like I had made it all up.”

Richie nodded. He understood, completely. Sometimes he wondered if the feelings he felt for Eddie were forged only because of the shared trauma, his heart reaching out for someone else who understood, but he knew it was more than that. Maybe the trauma made it more obvious but it hadn’t caused his feelings. 

“You’re here now.” Richie said, squeezing Eddie’s shoulder. The smaller man smiled gratefully at him, bending down to pick up a bag as well. 

“The room isn’t much.” Richie said as they walked. “But it’ll be yours, as long as you want it. I might be a terrible roommate though, it’s been a long time since I've had to live with anyone.”

He took several more steps before he realized that Eddie had stopped. Richie turned and Eddie said, “Roommates? Is that what you want to be?” 

His heart started to hammer, barely daring to let himself read into that statement. “I don’t know Eds. What do you want to be?” 

Eddie bit his bottom lip. “I’m still getting divorced.”

“I know.”

“I’ve never been in a relationship with a man.”

Hearing Eddie say that, admit that he was thinking of something that they could have, it almost made Richie cry. It was so close to what he had wanted for so long. 

“I don’t care.” He said, hoping that Eddie heard what he wasn’t saying. 

“I’m not ready for anything yet.” 

“I can wait.” 

Eddie nodded, puffing his cheeks then releasing a breath. “Okay.”

Richie grinned. “Okay.” 

And that was enough, for now. Richie wasn’t going to push Eddie. It wasn't fair to either of them. 

Until then- “Dinner?” He asked, dropping Eddie’s bag on the floor. “I made something but this might call for pizza.”

Eddie nodded. “Pizza sounds great.”

The next morning Richie woke up when he heard someone swearing in his kitchen. He was halfway to grabbing his guitar to use as a weapon when he remembered that Eddie was there. 

Sneaking out of his room he peered into the kitchen, watching Eddie try to make an omelet. There were several eggshells on the counter and some poorly chopped vegetables on a cutting board. Eddie was berating himself for how badly he was doing. It would have been comical if it wasn’t sad. Eddie couldn’t crack the eggs with his left hand and his right one- the prosthetic- wasn’t dexterous enough. Richie wondered what it had been like in New York. From what he had heard Myra sounded like the type to just do everything for Eddie so it was possible he hadn’t gotten to try things out yet.

“Do you want some help?” He asked, startling Eddie as he slid into the kitchen.

“I owe you some eggs.” Eddie said, sighing as he gestured at the pile in from of him.

Richie smiled, taking a step in and pulling a piece of shell off Edde’s cheek. “I’ll add it to your rent.” It was a joke, last night Eddie had tried to ask what Richie wanted for rent and he’d flatly refused. Eddie didn’t have a job and Richie didn’t need money. After a long talk Eddie had relented, making Richie promise that he could at least clean and help around the house.

Richie watched Eddie try to crack another egg, knowing that Eddie would get annoyed if he helped but also that he hated wasting the food. “Here.” Richie stepped in, taking Eddie’s prosthetic hand and putting it over the bowl and then cracking an egg into it. The shell stayed and the egg ran down. 

“That’s disgusting.” Eddie said, frowning as the yolk dripped into the bowl.

“But it worked.” Richie replied. Eddie begrudgingly nodded, doing the same thing with the next egg. Before long Eddie was carrying two plates of food and Richie the coffee as they went outside. 

“How’s eating with it?” Richie asked, not bothering to pretend that he wasn’t watching Eddie. 

“Better than cooking.” Eddie replied, “It’s easier when I can do something and not have to move.” He demonstrated, picking up the fork and spearing his food. “See?” Richie nodded, watching Eddie. It was strange, having him there, eating breakfast next to him, but it felt  _ right _ . Richie wanted to cry with how right it felt. He wanted to tug Eddie onto his lap, to insist on feeding him himself and to massage his stump. He ached to touch Eddie, his hand reaching out before he remembered his promise and reached for the salt instead.

“What are you gonna do today?” He asked, shoveling a bite into his mouth.

“Fix your damn sink.” Eddie said, pointing with his fork. “Doesn’t the dripping drive you crazy?”

“Nah, its like it’s dropping a sick beat. Plop, plop plop- plop.” Eddie laughed and Richie smiled, happy to hear that sound. 

“Well, finish any raps you have right now. It’ll be gone when you get home.”

“I was thinking of taking the day off.” Richie commented, watching Eddie’s reaction as he spoke.

“Because you think I can’t handle being alone?”  Eddie asked, his voice immediately sharp.

“No! Fuck no!” Richie shook his head. 

“Why then?”

“Because-”  _ Because I missed you. Because I love you. Because I nearly lost you and I want to be with you every damn second so I can tell my nightmares to fuck off.  _ Eddie crossed his arms, waiting for his reply. “Because it’s your first day. I’d be a shitty host if I left you alone.”

Eddie pursed his lips but nodded, accepting the answer. “Good, you can show me where you keep your tools.”

“My what now?”

Eddie shook his head. “Okay, first order of business- a trip to Home Depot.” Richie nodded. Doing errands with Eddie sounds like the best day ever. 

Two hours later they were careening around the store. He’d convinced Eddie to stand on the edge, between Richie and the cart, while he pushed. The man had been reluctant at first but Richie had wheedled him into it. Eddie had already yelled at him twice but he’d been laughing the whole time. It reminded Richie of when they were kids, him talking Eddie into things that he always protested but then loved. It was good to know that some things never changed. 

“Stop! Stop! We need that!” Eddie cried, looking left. 

Richie stopped as quickly as he could, Eddie falling back against him as he did. “Sorry,” He said, craning his neck to look at Richie. Standing on the cart they were the same height.

“Don’t worry Eds.” Richie told him, his voice lowering without him intending it. Eddie was leaning against him, looking up at him. His bangs had fallen and Richie wanted to reach over and push them aside. Neither moved for a long beat. 

“Let’s get the screwdriver.” Eddie said, stepping off the cart and away from Richie.

“Never needed a driver to screw before.” He quipped, earning a dirty look from Eddie. He didn’t care. Richie was the happiest he’d been in a long time. 

Another hour later they were checking out. Eddie had convinced him to paint the hallway and kitchen, something he’d never considered in all the years he’d lived there so they had painting supplies, along with a long list of tools that Eddie told him he should own as an alleged adult. 

“Richie, let me pay, please.” Eddie said, watching with worried eyes as the number climbed.

“Eds, it’s fine. Think of it as me finally spending all the money I haven’t for years.” 

Eddie pursed his lips and this time Richie didn’t stop himself. He wrapped an arm around the smaller man and pressed a kiss to his hair. “I want to do this.” He said, feeling Eddie relax in his arms.

The cashier smiled at them. “Y’all are cute. I wish my parents still acted like that.”

“We aren’t-” Eddie started as Richie moved back, shaking his head.

“We’re friends.” Richie said. “Who lived together.”

The cashier raised a thinly plucked eyebrow, clearly not believing him. “Cash or card?”

“Card.” Richie mumbled, feeling Eddie sink back in on himself as she bagged their items. Wordlessy, the two loaded the bags back into the cart and went outside. Richie sighed as they did, knowing that he’d messed up and that he had to say something. 

“I’m not trying to make this hard.” Richie started. “I just- you’re actually here Eddie. And I can’t stop myself from wanting to pull you close.” 

Eddie stopped, looking at him like Richie had said something shocking. “Fuck, did I fuck up already?”

“No, no you-” Eddie stepped in, taking a second to consider his next words. “You’ve changed a lot since high school huh?”

“I hope so.” He was still confused where this was going. 

Eddie shook his head. “The Richie I knew never would have said that, he would have pinched my cheeks and called me cute but actually telling me what he wants? Unimaginable.” Eddie squeezed his hands. “I like hearing what you’re thinking. I like-” he paused. “You. Richie Tozier.” His hazel eyes met Richie’s green ones.

“Eds you’re gonna give me a heart attack in the parking lot.”

“You have to know that Richie. You knew that back in Derry when you kissed me.”

Richie had to swallow his first response, a joke to lighten the mood. He knitted his eyebrows together. “You pulled a pretty convincing disappearing act.” 

“I wasn’t ready. I’m not ready.” Eddie took a long breath. “I want to be with you Richie, completely and forever. But I’m still getting divorced. I’m a mess. I need some time.”

“You can have all the time you need.” Richie was quick to say. “As long as it’s before we’re in a senior home. I don’t want to need viagra to have sex with you for the first time.” Eddie flushed bright red at this and Richie scrambled to fix it. “Not that we have to- I didn’t mean-”

Eddie pushed on his tip toes and pressed a kiss to Richie’s cheek. “I want to. God, do I want to.” Eddie’s voice got just husky enough to make Richie whine. “Soon okay? I promise.” 

“I can handle soon.” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They won’t, you’re amazing.” 
> 
> “Richie.” It was said completely different than a minute ago, this was soft, almost embarrassed. “Come on.” 
> 
> Eddie was terrible at taking compliments. Years of his mother then Myra beating him down had ruined his self esteem. Richie had taken it on as a personal mission to build him back up. He wanted Eddie to see the same person he did, smart and resilient, capable and strong, worthy of being loved. 
> 
> “You are.” He insisted. 
> 
> Eddie looked up at him, his eyes what Richie thought of as his heart eyes. The look always made Richie’s heart thump in his chest, reminding him how much Eddie loved him too.

Richie quickly realized how difficult it was to keep his promise to Eddie. Not because he had been lying- he wasn’t, he would wait as long as Eddie needed, until the other man was comfortable and ready. 

What he hadn’t thought about when he’d made the promise was himself and how much he wanted Eddie. Everything the man did was damn attractive and Richie found himself stopping and staring more than once, caught in a daydream for what he wished would happen next. It was bad enough when he was a teenager, lusting over his friend, but now he was a grown adult. He should be able to keep it together. 

But he couldn’t not at all. Especially not when Eddie was so close, near enough to touch. Richie ached to pull him close, to celebrate the fact that they had both lived, that they were still standing and breathing and fighting. 

His desires weren’t even always sexual. He often dreamed of standing behind Eddie as he did the dishes, of looping his hands around Eddie’s waist and nuzzling his face into Eddie’s back. He wanted to know what Eddie smelled like, how his hand would feel in Richie’s. It was all so PG and lovey dovey that Richie even made fun of himself, thinking how far gone he was for the thought of just holding hands. 

Other times though, Richie couldn’t stop his mind from wandering to what they could be doing if only they were wearing less clothes. 

The first time it happened was when Eddie repaired his sink. He was in overalls with a utility belt and he looked amazing. Something about watching him crawl under Richie’s sink stirred something in him, a deep desire to pull those overalls off, see what he looked like without them. 

He had stared for a minute before finally forcing himself to walk away, to do something else. 

It didn’t help that Eddie wore the outfit all day, getting sweaty while he fixed a dozen little things that Richie had let go. When Richie came out of his studio Eddie was on a ladder, fixing the light. When he made lunch Eddie was bent over again, gluing down a broken tile. Whenever Richie looked Eddie was there, doing something that drove him wild. He was slow, trying to use his prosthetic arm, but it only made Richie stare more, especially when Eddie stuck the tip of his tongue out in frustration. 

That night, locked in his room, he couldn't stop from touching himself, thinking about the tip of Eddie’s tongue and how it would feel on him. He promised to wait, he didn’t promise not to lust and dream while he waited. 

Richie quickly realized though, that it wasn’t just that specific outfit or those chores, it was everything that Eddie wore and did. The next day he was in sweats and a tank top, and jeans the following. Every new outfit gave Richie more ideas and he was positive that Eddie knew. He saw a small smile from Eddie when he caught Richie staring. 

Thankfully, he knew it wasn’t one sided. He saw Eddie staring at him too- when he wore his nicer pair of jeans or the work out clothes he’d bought at Eddie’s prompting (and used exactly once before vowing to never go to the gym again). Richie would catch Eddie’s eyes on him, a slight flush on his cheeks, and he knew what Eddie was thinking, how much he wanted this too. 

But he kept his promise. He waited for Eddie to come to him. He had waited for decades, he could wait for a little longer. 

Aside from that piece, they were also learning how to be together. It was a strange process, relearning one of your closest friends but he was more than willing to do it. He listened to Eddie’s stories about college and his life in New York, how he’d met Myra, all the things he enjoyed doing. He ached a little each time, wishing he had been there for the first time Eddie threw up from drinking or for when he opened his business but he was grateful that both were around to talk about it now. He learned more about who Eddie was now, falling more in love with each detail, even the ones that weren’t easy for Eddie to articulate (maybe especially those). 

Eddie was a different person now, still wild and fiery, but he was more reflective, less prone to outbursts. Richie tried to learn to read his moods, his shifts, as he knew Eddie was doing with him. They both failed several times, pushing on when the other wanted to pull back but they were learning, trying. 

One night they were eating dinner, Eddie had been quiet throughout and he was debating how to ask what was wrong. Eddie wasn’t one to share his feelings without prompting and Richie was trying to teach him that he was there to listen, if he wanted it. 

“Eds?” Richie reached over and held his prosthetic. Eddie liked it when Richie treated it like a normal limb, an extension of him. He’d been trying to remind himself to touch it the same way he held Eddie’s other hand, to thread their fingers together and hold it when they watched movies. 

Eddie didn’t look at him for a beat but then he sighed, probably knowing what Richie was going to ask. 

“I keep thinking about Stan.” He admitted quietly. 

Richie threaded their fingers together, hoping it provided a measure of comfort for the other man. “Why?”

“The trip.” The remaining losers were going to visit Stan’s grave. They’d been talking about it, going there to say goodbye. They knew they had to, they owed it to him. 

“You still want to go right?” 

Richie felt conflicted about the trip. On one hand he was excited to see the others again. Since remembering them it felt like his heart was whole again. He missed them terribly and wanted to hear Mike’s laugh, Bill’s accent and even Bev’s insults. 

But he also knew how hard it would be to be there, to see Stan’s final resting place. He’d written out several versions of what he wanted to say to his best friend, trying to apologize while also telling him that Richie understood why he’d done it. He was racked with guilt that he hadn’t been there to help, to save Stan from the internal war he was fighting. He’d talked to Eddie about it many times and knew he felt the same. They both wished they could have saved him, while also knowing that it would have been impossible to do so. 

“I want to go. I need to.” Eddie said and Richie nodded. “It’s just-” He moved peas around on his plate, quiet and solemn. Richie waited. He’d learned that Eddie needed to think, to process. He was the opposite of Richie, needing to think through his words instead of blurting them out. That was a change from younger Eddie, this quiet and contemplative man. Richie didn’t know if the change was because of Myra, if she squashed his thoughts and ideas down so much that he rarely voiced them without prodding, or if it was simply due to aging and maturing. 

Either way, Richie waited. 

“It’s just, what if we were wrong Richie? What if Stan knew we couldn’t kill IT and that’s why he did it? What if IT's not dead, it’s just waiting for all of us to be together again and-”

“Eds,” Richie moved closer now, pressing against Eddie. “I know you don’t remember the end - you blacked out- but IT is dead. I promise. Disappeared into nothing.” 

Eddie’s answer was hushed. “We thought that before.”

“Bill checked. Mike checked. We all did. There was nothing left!” Richie had to fight off the images that threatened to overwhelm him. That final fight. How he’d told Eddie he was braver than he thought. How Eddie had nearly died. How sure Richie had been that they’d lost another friend to IT. If he thought about it too much, he knew he’d break down. Even now, after months, it was all too fresh. He could smell the rancid sewers, the strange decaying smell that was IT, the antiseptic scent of the hospital. It was all there, dancing on the edge of his mind, waiting for him to fall back into it. 

He couldn’t though, he wouldn’t. Richie took a shuddering breath as Eddie continued. 

“The town was flooding! How well did you check? How can you be sure?” Eddie’s voice was becoming higher, more persistent as he started to panic. “What if it comes back Richie? What if it shows up as my greatest fear and I have to see you-” Eddie stopped as a strangled cry escaped his throat. 

He put a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, trying not to stare at the prosthetic. It was a constant reminder that Eddie had lost more than the others. He had a good reason for panicking. But he hadn’t been there. They’d checked, they’d verified. Richie couldn’t allow himself to think for even a second that anything else was true. 

“IT’s dead. I promise.” Richie told him, squeezing Eddie’s shoulder as he spoke. “We won Eddie, we killed it.”

 To himself, he added, ‘ _ And if it’s not, I’m not letting you go back, not again. We’ll find someone else to fight that battle. We’ve earned that much.' _

Eddie deserved to live a long happy life and Richie was going to do everything in his power to ensure that it happened, even if it meant sacrificing himself for it. 

Richie waited, watching Eddie’s reactions to his words. His chest was still moving quickly, a sign that he was panicking and Richie moved closer, rubbing Eddie’s back. “It’s dead. We won.” He repeated over and over until he felt Eddie slump and relax against him. 

The smaller man nodded into Richie’s shoulder. “Okay. Okay Richie.” 

He wanted to say more, to reassure Eddie beyond any doubt, but he didn’t know what else to add that was still sincere. He stayed close until Eddie pulled back, still shaken but no longer panicked. “I still want to see Stan and the others.” Eddie added. “With you.” Eddie took Richie’s hand and thread their fingers together. 

“Me too Eds.” Richie said, a small smile appearing on his face. It wasn’t the ideal first trip together but Richie would follow anywhere Eddie went. 

A few weeks later, Richie came home to a very excited Eddie. He had made a fancy dinner for them and was practically bouncing when Richie came in the door, his ‘kiss the cook’ apron still tied around his waist. 

“What? What happened?” He asked as Eddie ran up to him, a grin plastered across his face. Richie hadn’t seen him this happy since he’d fixed Richie’s gutters. Eddie’s joy in his small accomplishments never failed to make Richie smile. He could tell that Myra had never trusted him and he loved being able to do things on his own here; he was proud of each of them and Richie was proud of him. 

“Richie, I got a job!” Eddie’s smile could have lit up the night sky. He beamed up at Richie, eagerly waiting for his reaction. He had been applying and interviewing but had been having a rough time finding something that felt like the right fit- or that didn’t ask uncomfortable questions about his arm. Richie told him to take his time, to wait until he found something perfect. He made enough for both of them. 

Until this moment, he had been careful not to touch Eddie too much. When they watched TV together, he sat on the other side of the couch and when they did dishes together, he didn’t bump Eddie’s shoulder with his own. He was cautious, wanting Eddie to make the first move and initiate contact. But he couldn’t stop himself as he launched at Eddie, picking him up and spinning the other man, both laughing. Richie’s heart was lifted, happy, just seeing how excited Eddie was. 

“Eds! That’s amazing!” He put the smaller man down and hugged him tightly, moving so he could keep an arm slung over his shoulder.  Having Eddie close was rapidly becoming one of Richie’s favorite things to do, having the weight of the small man against him, feeling his body heat.

“Where? When do you start? Tell me everything!” 

“Don’t laugh.” Eddie said, looking up at him.

“Never.” He promised. 

“It’s at a mechanic’s station.” The sides of Richie’s lips quirked up and Eddie hit his chest. “You said you wouldn’t laugh!”

“Ow! That was the robot arm!” Richie said, rubbing his chest. “And I didn’t. I thought you didn’t want to work with cars anymore.”

“I don’t want to work with  _ customers _ . Big difference.” He clarified. “I won’t have to here. I want to contribute too, do things on my own. Even though you keep saying I don’t need to worry about money-” 

He paused, still reluctant to believe Richie’s promises to be a sugar daddy, and Richie was quick to add, “You don’t. I’d love to keep you spoiled and in a nightgown, eating truffles, for the rest of your life.” 

Eddie shook his head, still smiling. “Never going to happen. But yea, without worrying about money I thought about what I really wanted. I like working with cars, and I’m good at it.”

Richie grinned. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks dad,” Eddie said sarcastically.

“Oh, call me that again. I liked that.” Richie wiggled his eyebrows and bright patches appeared on Eddie’s cheeks. 

“ _ Richie _ .” He chided.

“That one is good too. Anything really. All of it sounds good coming from you.” 

Eddie looked at him with a look that Richie had secretly deemed the ‘someday gets sooner’ look. It was slightly heated, like Eddie was thinking about kissing him, but also cautious, careful. 

“When do you start?” Richie asked, knowing if he didn’t changed the subject, he’d soon be moving in to kiss Eddie. 

“Next week.”

“I really am proud of you. You’ll be great.” Richie swelled, thinking about how this was the first relationship where he was as excited about Eddie’s accomplishments as his own. He wanted to celebrate, to sing from the rooftops so everyone knew how amazing and perfect Eddie was. 

Eddie, though, would hate that, so Richie settled for beaming at him, hoping he knew what Richie was thinking. 

“I hope so,” Eddie’s smile wavered briefly. “Hopefully they don’t regret hiring me.” 

“They won’t, you’re amazing.” 

“Richie.” It was said completely different than a minute ago, this was soft, almost embarrassed. “Come on.” 

 Eddie was terrible at taking compliments. Years of his mother then Myra beating him down had ruined his self esteem. Richie had taken it on as a personal mission to build him back up. He wanted Eddie to see the same person he did, smart and resilient, capable and strong, worthy of being loved.  

“You are.” He insisted. 

Eddie looked up at him, his eyes what Richie thought of as his heart eyes. The look always made Richie’s heart thump in his chest, reminding him how much Eddie loved him too. 

Then, suddenly, he pushed up and brought his lips to Richie’s. It was a brief kiss, Eddie was stepping back before Richie even realized what happened. 

“I’ve got to finish dinner,” Eddie said, turning and hurrying away before Richie could reply. He brought his hand up, brushing his lips with his fingers and knowing he was sporting a dopey grin. 

“Let me help!” He said, following Eddie and grabbing his matching apron. 

After that, they started to kiss more, a development that Richie was more than happy to lean into. He tried to let Eddie initiate- a soft kiss before they went to bed (still in separate rooms) or a quick one pressed to a cheek before Richie left for work. Each one felt like the kisses of people who had been together for decades, comfortable and loving. 

Soon Richie was kissing Eddie too. It had started when he’d had his first bad day at work. A customer had accused him of doing something wrong and had yelled at him. Eddie had come back sullen and defeated. Richie had ordered pad thai while agreeing that the customer was an asshole and that Eddie had done everything right (he only understood half of the words but was willing to agree with any of Eddie’s car rants). He’d pressed a light kiss to Eddie’s hair, trying to get him to calm down.

Eddie had stopped mid rant and looked up at him, eyes wide. Richie was terrified that he’d done something wrong. 

Eddie had spoken, his voice husky. “You haven’t kissed me before.”

“I didn’t know if you wanted me to.” He had replied honestly, still worried.

“I want you to.” Eddie’s voice was so needy that Richie nearly moaned from his tone alone. 

“I didn’t know.” He said, bending down and pressing kisses to Eddie’s forehead then his cheeks. “Baby, I didn’t know.” He said, leaving a light one on Eddie’s mouth. 

Eddie pressed back, kissing Richie solidly. “I always want you to kiss me.” Eddie told him, practically melting against Richie. 

“Fucking deal.” Richie told him, continuing a line of kisses down Eddie neck. He tried to keep it light but it was hard, especially as Eddie tiled his head back, exposing his Adam’s apple. He let out a small moan as Richie pressed kisses to his skin, the noise affecting Richie more than he wanted to admit. 

Finally he pulled back, swallowing hard as he looked at Eddie. “Slow, right?” He asked, needing confirmation.

“Slow.” Eddie agreed, looking like he didn’t want to agree. 

Richie had stepped back, forcing himself to put distance between them. “Then I’ve got to stop because damn Eds, you’re irresistible.” 

The first time that the kiss was heated was less than a week later. Their kisses had become more heated, Eddie pressing against Richie as they kissed and their hands exploring the other’s torsos.

That night, they were on the couch, Eddie leaned against Richie as they watched a movie. Eddie tipped his head up, an indication that he wanted a kiss, and Richie was more than happy to oblige, dipping his head to press a quick kiss to Eddie’s lips.

Except that Eddie’s lips chased his, arching up as Richie move back. So Richie bent back down, firmly pressing his lips to Eddie’s. Then Eddie surprised him, swiping his tongue over Richie’s lips as he pressed up. Richie eagerly parted them, letting Eddie in. He groaned into the kiss, his hands on his thighs in an attempt to not grab Eddie. Eddie seemed to know this, he took Richie’s hands and put them on his hips as Eddie crawled into his lap, straddling him. 

“Fuck,” Richie breathed, looking up at him. 

“Not quite yet.” Eddie said, his eyes dark. “But maybe something close to it.” He rolled his hips on Richie, making him let out a broken groan. “You’ve been so patient. I appreciate it. I love it. I - I love you.” 

Richie wrapped his arms around Eddie, hugging him tightly. “I love you too.” Richie felt tears spring to his eyes, surprised how emotional he was. “So much.”

Eddie collapsed on him, his arms wrapping around Richie’s shoulders. He felt Eddie’s tears too, soaking his shirt. “We’re such losers.” Eddie mumbled into his shirt. 

“That’s the whole point right? That we’re losers together.” 

Eddie pulled back, kissing him again. It was wet but Richie soon forgot the tears as Eddie’s tongue slipped back in his mouth, wrapping around his own. Richie bucked into Eddie, wanting more. He’d gotten used to the weight of Eddie against him but having Eddie on him, his groin so close to Richie’s, was something else entirely. 

Eddie’s hands found to Richie’s hair, tugging his head back so Eddie could kiss his neck. Richie’s hands were on Eddie’s thighs, palms pressing into them as he slowly worked up. It was going well until Richie cupped Eddie's erection, rubbing it through the denim. Eddie let out a broken moan and tried to pull back, probably to undo his pants. His prosthetic tangled in Richie’s hair, tugging it and making Richie yelp in pain.

“Shit! Fuck, Richie I’m so sorry.” Eddie said, looking alarmed. “I didn’t-”

“It’s fine, I promise.” Richie leaned in, intending to kiss Eddie again, but then Eddie pulled his hand loose, accidentally hitting Richie’s shoulder as he did. Richie swore and Eddie looked horrified. 

“Goddamnit, I keep hurting you!” Eddie got up and stepped back, shaking his head. Richie followed him, hands outstretched. 

“Eds, it’s not- you could give me a black eye and I wouldn’t care. I’d probably think it was hot. I swear.” 

Eddie let out a sound that was a mix of a laugh and cry. Richie held out his arms and Eddie fell into them. “Why are you so good to me?” Eddie asked, his voice muffled by Richie’s shoulder.

“Because I love you.” Richie told him, savoring the words and how they felt. “I love you Eddie Kaspbrak. I’ve loved you for decades. Even when I didn’t remember you, I still loved you.”

“That doesn’t make sense.” 

Richie brought his thumb up, wiping the tears away. “I’d see a fanny pack and I’d remember you, just for a second. That smile, your pills. Or someone would ask me about my first love and I’d see your face. Fuck Eds, my love for you spent two decades trying to break through that damn barrier. How fucking powerful is that?” 

Eddie was up on his tiptoes, kissing him again. It was slow and passionate, the way that they should have been kissing for years. It was a welcome home kiss, a kiss to remind someone how much they meant to you and how much you needed them. Richie ached from it. It felt like his chest had been scooped out then refilled, seeds of a new life planted there.

“I should go.” Eddie said, stepping back.

“You really shouldn’t.” Richie said, not letting him go until Eddie stepped back. He smiled softly at Richie, waving as he walked to his room. 

After that, something shifted. How could it not? Eddie started kissing Richie when he left for work in the morning, or Richie would come up behind Eddie as he cooked, peppering whatever skin he could reach with kisses. The kisses held promises of something more, something was building between them and Richie was more than willing to follow wherever it went. 

Two weeks later, the two of them were at a work event for Richie, some fancy fundraiser that he needed to attend and Eddie had agreed to come. Both were in tuxedos and Richie had a hard time not ripping Eddie’s off him. While he looked good in everything, Eddie in formal wear wasn’t something that he got to see often and he loved how the cut looked on him. Thankfully Eddie seemed affected too, Richie noticed Eddie watching him all night, his eyes raking over him.

Once, Eddie pulled him away from the party, kissing him in a corner until a waiter caught them. It left Richie breathless and hopeful. 

To his disappointment, Eddie disappeared when they got home. He’d been hoping for a long make out session or at least snuggles but the man had mumbled something about not feeling well and had gone to his room. Richie pulled off his jacket and tie, settling on the couch with a beer. He was halfway through a movie when he heard something from Eddie’s room, a strangled sound.

At first he ignored it but then, a minute later, he heard it again. Worried that Eddie needed help he stood, going to Eddie’s door and knocking on it. “Eds? You okay?” 

He didn’t hear a reply. He was about to turn back when he heard the same noise. Slowly, he opened the door, only to be met with the most beautiful sight.

Eddie was lying naked on his bed, splayed out and holding his erection. He was trying to pump himself and Richie guessed he was close from how red and leaking his cock was. His eyes were closed, lips parted and Richie couldn’t help but stare.

Until Eddie opened his eyes. “What the hell!” He yelled, hands moving and covering himself. 

Richie’s hand flew to his eyes. “Fuck fuck sorry- I heard you- and I knocked- I didn’t know you were- this-” Richie tried to step back and hit the doorframe. “I’ll leave. Sorry. Fuck.” He turned and hit the wall again, still swearing quietly. 

“Wait,” Eddie said, chuckling at his attempts to leave. 

Richie stopped, turning back around but keeping his eyes covered. 

“I need- help. If you want.” 

Richie’s hand fell and he stared at Eddie. He was still covering himself, a pink flush covering all of his skin.

“You what?” Richie squeaked. He hadn’t squeaked in decades.

“I can’t with-” Eddie gestured with his free prosthetic. “My left hand sucks and I’m terrified to use my prosthetic.”

Richie took a tentative step forward. “Have you not- since-” 

“Only a couple times. When I was already mostly there.”

“You poor man.” Richie took another step in. He licked his lips, trying not to stare at what Eddie’s hand covered. “So you want the ol’ Tozier touch?”

“Only if you don’t call it that.” Eddie said. They looked at each other and then Eddie shook his head. “This is too weird. Nevermind. I’ll just get a fleshlight or something.”

“No!” Richie flung himself to the foot of Eddie’s bed. “No I want to. Please. I want to so fucking bad.” 

“Are you sure? Because if this is-”

Richie bent down, kissing Eddie gently. “It’s not. Lean back Eds, let me take care of you.” Richie let his hand dance down Eddie’s chest and stomach, to where his hand was still covering him. “Can we move this?” He asked, running a finger over Eddie’s knuckles.

With a deep breath, Eddie moved his hand. Richie gave himself a second to stare at Eddie. He wasn’t fully hard anymore but he was still perfect. Richie decided he’d never seen a more beautiful dick.

“Are you gonna help me or just stare?”

“Both.” Richie replied with a grin. “Do you have lube?” 

Eddie handed him a small bottle and Richie squirted it onto his palm, slowly taking Eddie in his hand. Immediately, the smaller man groaned, hips snapping up. “Shit Richie.” Eddie’s voice was soft and broken and he would do anything to keep hearing it. 

He moved his hand over Eddie, his other one cupping his balls. Richie’s thumb swept the underside of his dick, moving to the slit and head. Eddie moaned, his head falling back as his breaths started to come in pants. Richie was sure he was close, he’d probably been at this for a while. While Richie wanted to draw this out, keep Eddie going, he knew that wasn’t the point. 

He sped up his hand, enjoying how Eddie’s voice changed as he neared his orgasm. 

“Richie, Richie fuck I’m-” Richie watched Eddie as he came. His body tensed, eyebrows scrunched as he orgasmed, spilling over Richie’s hand. Then he went boneless, collapsing into his bed. 

“God Richie, I’m sorry, it’s all over you.” Eddie said when he opened his eyes, reaching for the tissues and cleaning him up.

“I don't think I’ve ever minded less.” Richie said, letting Eddie take his hand and wipe it clean. 

“Can I- um- return the favor?” Eddie asked, his eyes falling to Richie’s crotch.

Richie wasn’t sure if it was obligation or because Eddie wanted to so he shook his head. “You can return it by telling me what you were thinking about. Unless it was Mike, then I’ll be jealous.” 

Eddie smiled, shaking his head. “It wasn’t Mike. It was- you. You in that tux.” Eddie’s eyes raked over Richie. “I really liked it.”

“I’ll wear a tux every-damn-day.” 

Eddie smiled. “You don’t need to do that. This was just- you looked good Richie. I should have told you.”

Richie looked down at Eddie once more. “I got the message loud and clear.” Richie started to get up but Eddie grabbed him, keeping Richie in place.

“Will you stay?” Eddie asked. “Only if you want.” 

Eddie looked worried, like there was any answer that Richie could give except, “Yes, of course.”

Eddie beamed at him. “Good. Okay. Good. Let me change and then we can- sleep.”

Richie nodded, slipping out of the room to change as well. When he returned, Eddie was standing over the bed. As Richie walked in he turned to Richie. “Which side do you want?” Eddie asked. 

Richie moved in, standing behind Eddie and pulling him close, wrapping his arms around Eddie’s chest. “I don’t know, I’ve always slept in the middle.”

“If you don’t pick now you can’t complain later.” Something in Eddie’s voice was hesitant and Richie looked over, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“I can leave, we don’t have to do this.”

Eddie looked up at him, his expression almost sad but he nodded. “I want to. Here.” He took off his prosthetic then crawled into bed, laying on his side. “Come here Rich.”

Richie moved immediately, crawling into the bed and curling against Eddie. He inhaled deeply, smelling Eddie’s shampoo and the cream he used for his arm. His arm slid around Eddie’s waist and Eddie threaded their fingers together. He fell asleep easily, listening to Eddie breathe. 

Richie was looking forward to many nights like this.

Later that night, he woke up, flipping over to try and find Eddie but his side was empty. Richie decided he was getting water and tried to fall back asleep but a few minutes later Eddie still wasn’t back and Richie was growing worried. What if he decided this was too fast and had gone to sleep on the couch? Richie wasn’t going to kick the guy out of his own bed.

Richie crept out of the room, seeing a low light on in the kitchen.  A lump formed in Richie’s throat as he saw Eddie, a bag slung across his chest. He was dressed and staring at his phone.

“Eds?”

That startled the smaller man. He jumped then looked at Richie, a look of intense guilt passing over his features. “Richie-I-”

“One man middle of the night adventure?” He asked, trying to do anything but assume the worst. 

“No.” The simple word crashed over him and for a second, the world disconnected then reformed with an Eddie sized gap. 

“Don’t be mad. I just -Richie I wrote it all in a note.” Eddie held out an envelope, his hand shaking. Richie told his arm to reach out and take it but he couldn’t. He just stared.

“I don't want a note Eds. I want you to say it. I thought you loved me.” God he hated how bitter he sounded, how desperate. 

“I do!” Richie scoffed but Eddie continued. “I do love you- that’s why I’m leaving.” 

Richie looked at Eddie. He could see how much Eddie wanted to rush in and hold him, it was a clear indication of how miserable he must have looked. Everything he’d known had changed so quickly though. Richie had fallen asleep thinking that he’d be sleeping next to Eddie for years to come and now he was leaving in the middle of the night, planning to escape without even telling him.

It was too much. 

Richie shook his head, swallowing back his tears. “Don’t lie to me Eds, not now.” 

“Richie, what if IT isn’t dead? What if we have to fight him in another 27 years?” Eddie’s voice was high too, reedy with guilt and fear. It broke Richie. 

Eddie continued. “We thought we killed IT once and we were wrong. We could be wrong again. IT already took Stan and if we’re together then-” Eddie paused, unsaid words hanging in the air. Then it would use their love against each other. 

“We’re stronger together.” Richie insisted. He moved in, hoping that maybe he could convince Eddie. He put a hand on Eddie’s cheek. “Leaving doesn’t fix anything. You’re just running away.” 

Eddie wouldn’t look at him. “I’m so scared all the time Richie. I keep thinking about when I woke up in the hospital, how confused and lost I was. You were the only thing that grounded me. I can’t risk losing you. It would destroy me.”

“So you’re going to leave first?” His voice was harsh but he didn’t care. What Eddie was saying didn’t make sense. 

Eddie flinched but nodded. “I need to figure this out. I love you but all this is new to me. How I feel- it scares me and I need time to think. I’ve never had a chance to be on my own- what if I’m just here because I’m scared to be alone? You don’t deserve that.” Eddie stopped as his voice broke, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth as he looked at Richie.

“Say you understand, say you’ll give me some time. Please Richie. Please.” His eyes were red, brimmed with tears and his bottom lip quivered. 

Richie thought about how long he’d given Eddie, how patient and caring he’d been. He thought about all the space he’d given him and all the words he hadn’t said because it had been too soon. He thought about how much he ached to hold Eddie, to simply be with him, whatever that meant, how tired he was of waiting. He thought about what forever meant and how he wanted to wake up next to him every day. 

Then he thought about everything Eddie had gone through. The process of learning who he was while living with someone new and without a limb. He thought about how happy Eddie was here and how Richie didn’t want to ruin that. He thought about how awful he’d feel if he ever pushed Eddie to do something. 

The thought of losing Eddie hurt but that would have killed him. 

He nodded, tears forming in his eyes. “Go on.” He wanted to say that he’d wait, that he’d always be there for Eddie but he didn’t know if that was true. He didn’t know how much longer he could do this. 

Eddie seemed to understand all of that without him saying anything. He pushed in his tiptoes, kissing Richie’s cheek as his phone buzzed. “I love you.” 

Richie nodded. 

“My ride is here.” Eddie said apologetically, grabbing his bag. He waited for a beat, like he was waiting for Richie to say something, that he understood or that he was okay with it. But Richie couldn’t. He couldn’t even look at him. 

All he could say was, “Bye Eds.” 

“Bye Rich.” 

He didn’t move until the door slammed, signalling that Eddie was really gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 chap left!! I know this one took forever but it covers a lot!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stanley Uris
> 
> Friend, husband, Bird Lover
> 
> Taken too soon by forces he couldn’t control
> 
> “You fucker.” Richie said, laying the flowers down. He couldn’t stop his hands or voice from shaking. “You should have called us first. You were supposed to be there- you were supposed to celebrate with us not-” He had to stop as sobs raked his body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey i know it says chap 4/5 but this is the 5th and last chap. Sorry for any confusion!

Richie spent the next two weeks in a haze. He didn’t talk to Eddie, though the man sent him an occasional text to let him know he was okay. Richie never replied. He couldn’t. He knew if he did the fragile wall he’d put up would crumble and all his feelings would rush out, leaving him deflated like a balloon.

Not that he was doing much better otherwise. 

He tried to go back to his old routine. He went to work, he cooked, he  _ tried _ but the hole was always there, a reminder that something was missing, that he had lost something he loved. Some days the hole was small, just a dull ache that throbbed when he saw a tool Eddie had purchased, other days it threatened to rip him apart. Richie spent those moments crying, not bothering to pretend that he was okay when he clearly wasn’t.

He started to call all the others more, talking to them helped. He knew he’d be seeing them soon and took some solace in that, that soon he’d be with the people he loved, even if it was under terrible circumstances.  They all knew about him and Eddie, the trials and tribulations, the unanswered questions. If they talked to Eddie they didn’t tell Richie, out of respect for him and Eddie. 

Finally it was time for the trip to Stan’s grave. It had been six months since Stan had ended his life and the during the plane ride there Richie was full of mixed emotions. He was excited to see all the losers again, he’d missed them, but the purpose of the reunion weighed on him. He knew he’d be seeing Eddie again, the man had sent him a text saying that it was important to him, that he hoped Richie understood. It was the only time Richie had replied, saying of course he did. He didn’t know how he’d handle their reunion but he’d never stop Eddie from going. 

He got to Atlanta before the others, wanting some time with his friend before they came. He needed to talk to Stan, to catch him up on the past 27 years of his life before everyone else arrived. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he knew that Stan would appreciate the terrible irony that Richie was the only one who could talk.

Richie went straight from the airport to the grave, stopping only to get daisies, Stan’s favorite flowers, and his rental car. He knew if it would only be worse if he waited.  He didn’t know quite what he was going to say but he knew Stan would understand that he was trying. 

Stan had always been the understanding one. 

When he got there someone else was already there, sitting next to the grave and talking. Somehow Richie knew it was Eddie before he could even make out the features. The smaller man had a hand on Stan’s tombstone, touching it like it was their old friend. Richie stopped, debating what to do but Eddie saw him and waved him over, standing up and wiping off his jeans. 

He walked to the grave, the small bouquet of flowers shaking in his hands. Before looking at Eddie, he looked down at the grave where his best friend was buried. 

 

_ Stanley Uris _

_ Friend, husband, Bird Lover _

_ Taken too soon by forces he couldn’t control _

 

“You fucker.” Richie said, laying the flowers down. He couldn’t stop his hands or voice from shaking. “You should have called us first. You were supposed to be there- you were supposed to celebrate with us not-” He had to stop as sobs raked his body.

Eddie’s arms were instantly around him, holding Richie as he cried. He crumpled into Eddie, accepting the comfort the other man offered. 

“He should have been there.” Richie finally managed to say. “We should have been there for him.” He was equally upset about both things. 

“We didn’t know, we couldn’t have.” Eddie said, rubbing circles into his back. “Derry-”

“I should have known!” Richie shouted, burying his head in Eddie’s neck. “I was his best friend. I should have been there!”

“Richie, it’s not your fault.” Eddie pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “It’s not your fault.” He kissed Richie again, hitting the side of his mouth. Easily, Richie moved his head, capturing Eddie’s lips with his own. He was sure he tasted like tears and snot but Eddie kissed him back, letting Richie draw the strength he needed. That was the thing about him and Eddie, they managed never to collapse at the same time. One of them was always there to pick the other up, to be the strong one when the other crumbled. 

Eventually he took a shaky breath and stepped back,  wiping away his tears and looking at his friend’s final resting place. 

“He’d hate that we were kissing on his grave.” 

Eddie gave a harsh laugh and nodded. “He really would.” Eddie moved back to him, threading their hands together as they stared at the space that held their friend. He leaned against Eddie. Richie knew this was about Eddie comforting him as a friend, nothing more, but he was willing to take it. 

“I can’t believe I didn’t get to give a speech at his wedding.” Richie said after a minute, his stomach still in knots. The anger had bled away into sadness and pain. 

“You think he would have let you?” Eddie asked, a ghost of a smile on his lips. 

“I would have bribed the DJ.” Richie replied as Eddie put his head on Richie’s shoulder. It should have been too much but instead it grounded him, feeling the weight of Eddie beside him.

They were silent for a minute, staring at their lost friend. Richie wondered if all this was inevitable, if everything had been written before he was even born and, if so, why he was struggling against the tides of fate. He’d never win. He should stop trying and let the waves sweep him away, like Stan had. 

Then Eddie squeezed his hand and Richie knew that he couldn’t do that, couldn’t just give up. He didn’t begrudge Stan’s choice but he never it would never be his own. He was lucky enough to remember the their friends and that was enough. 

“I should go.” Richie lied. He didn’t have anywhere to be but he was starting to feel the tug of Eddie and knew that he’d say something stupid soon, especially given how emotional he was. He didn’t want to take more than what Eddie could offer. 

“I haven’t checked into my hotel yet.” He stepped back, feeling the loss of Eddie immediately.

Eddie watched as Richie put a hand on Stan’s grave, telling him he’d be back. Then Richie turned, about to walk back to his rental car, when Eddie spoke.

“I was wrong.”

It was so soft that Richie nearly chalked it up to the wind. He stopped, turning back, and looked at Eddie. His hands were tangled together and he was staring at Richie, trying to gather strength for whatever he wanted to say next.

“When I left, what I said. I was wrong Richie.”

Richie’s heart pounded in his chest but he refused to let himself hope until he was sure. “About what?” He asked, not letting himself step in. 

“About how losing you would destroy me.” 

Richie didn’t know what to make of that so he waited, hugging himself with his arms while Eddie worked through his next words. 

“It didn’t destroy me. It just left me empty, with a hole in my heart. I’ve been empty for years and I didn’t know it until I was with you. Until I was full.” He glanced at Richie, trying to read his face. Richie was sure it was a mixed of shock and pain. 

“Being without you these last few weeks, I was empty again. I  _ hated  _ it. I don’t want to feel that ever again.” Eddie took a step towards him, waiting for Richie to react.

Richie glanced at Stan’s grave, his mouth dry. “What if you were right? What if IT comes back and uses that against us?” 

Eddie nodded solemnly, his eyes falling to the grave as well. “I’m still scared Richie. Every fucking day. I’m scared of IT, of losing you, of being with you only because it’s easier but I think-” He took another step in. If Richie reached out, he could touch the smaller man. He wanted to touch him, to hold him. That would be easy. That was what they both wanted.

But he didn’t move, not yet. Everything Eddie had said that night rang through his head, reminding him of all of the doubts Eddie had, all his fears. He couldn’t have half of Eddie, couldn’t have him as reluctant and scared. It wasn’t fair to either of them. 

“But Richie,” Eddie continued. “I’m not going to let the fear win. Not anymore. I spent too much of my life letting fear control me and I finally found something worth fighting that fear for.  If IT comes back again I want to fight it with you, hand in hand.” At this Eddie reached out, taking Richie’s hand in his own.

Richie swallowed, looking at where they touched. “I can’t do this again Eddie. I can’t have you and lose you a third time.” 

“You won’t.” Eddie stepped in one final time, now standing chest to chest with Richie. “I promise Richie, I’m here. I’m in this, for good.”  He hesitated. “Assuming you still want me.” Eddie’s big eyes stared up at him, conflicted. He clearly expected Richie to reject him, to push him away and tell him to fuck off. 

“I’d understand. I put you through so much. And I’m only a burden. You could have someone who was easier, who was whole.” Eddie glanced at his prosthetic, probably without even realizing it. 

“I could.” Richie agreed. “I could probably find someone easier, who didn’t make my heart ache and who didn’t worry me when they were gone. I could have someone who never left.” Eddie tried to drop Richie’s hand, to step back, but Richie wouldn’t let him. With his free hand he put it under Eddie’s chin, tipping it up.

“But I don’t fucking want anyone else.” Richie said, looking into Eddie’s eyes. “I never have and I never will.”

“Are you sure? I’m always going to be scared Richie, I’ll wake up in a cold sweat and be sure that the leper is back. I’ll doubt myself and us.” He said it quickly, like a final confession, like he wanted to give Richie a chance to change his mind, to leave. 

But Richie wasn’t going anywhere. “Me too Eds. I’m scared to. And I’ll promise you now, I’ll be there for you through it all- as long as you’re there for me.”

Slowly Eddie nodded, agreeing to be there, to stay with him. “I won’t leave again.” He promised. “I want to be with you.” 

Forgetting where they were Richie leaned in, planting a kiss on Eddie’s lips. Eddie kissed him back, actions confirming his words. It was a slow kiss, one that both had been waiting for for a long time. Richie knew Eddie was the last person he’d ever kiss and that this was the first of many. 

Eddie pushed against him, chests flush as they leaned against each other and Richie realized he was in real danger of getting hard in a cemetery. 

“Eds, we should leave. Get coffee or something.” He didn’t step back, he couldn’t convince his body to do that, but he needed to diffuse the situation. Eddie was everything he’d wanted for so long but he wasn't going to push him, to ask for more than he wanted to give. 

Eddie looked up at him, eyes dark. “Or we could go to my hotel room. I’ve already checked in.”

Richie swallowed thickly, squeezing Eddie’s hand. “Are you sure? We don’t need to rush.”

“We’ve waited long enough Richie. I want to see if those dick jokes have any truth to them.” 

Richie hesitated, thinking about everything he and Eddie had been through and how much harder it would be to lose the smaller man after this. Eddie sensed this and wrapped both arms around Richie’s neck, pulling him down. “I’m yours Richie, for as long as you’ll have me. I promise.” He pressed a gentle kiss to Richie’s lips.

“But if you want to wait I can prove it, I’ll spend as long as you want proving it.”

That had Richie bending back down and kissing Eddie swiftly. “I believe you.” He pulled back just enough to look Eddie in the eyes. “I wish I could carry you to my car.” 

Eddie smiled, bringing a hand down and threading his fingers with Richie’s. “This is good enough.”

Richie would be lying if he said that the drive back was easy. His mind flitted from topic to topic, unable to land on any of them. From the important-  _ Where had Eddie been? What had changed his mind? Would this work? _ \- to the ones his lust addled brain pushed forward-  _ What would sex be like? What would Eddie sound like? _ \- to the nervous ones-  _ What if he wasn’t good? What if he came right away? What if he hurt Eddie? _

“Stop thinking so loudly.” Eddie said, putting a hand over Richie’s. “We’re here.”

Richie pulled into a spot, letting Eddie lead him to his room, almost shaking from nervous energy. More than once he wanted to tell Eddie that it was fine, that they could wait, but he pushed the words back, knowing what Eddie’s response would be.

 Richie watched Eddie open the door and step in but he hesitated on the threshold. Eddie turned to looking at him, eyes questioning.

“The last time we were in a hotel room together, you went back to Myra.” Richie said, knowing that a lot had changed since then but feeling the same uncertainty. 

“Well I can promise that that won’t happen again.” Eddie tried to joke. He stepped back to Richie, pulling him in the room. “Ask me again, what you asked me then.”

“If you say no-” Eddie hit him lightly. 

““Move to California with me.” Richie said quickly, feeling no less nervous than the first time he’d said it. “Be with me Eddie. Forever.” 

“You never use my name.”

“That’s how serious I am.” 

Eddie’s eyes scanned Richie’s face before he said, simply, “Yes. Richie, yes.” 

Richie didn’t know who moved first, it didn’t matter. Both of them moved in, pressing their lips and bodies together, trying to claim the other. They stumbled back and onto the bed, Richie landing on Eddie. He wanted to go slow, to feel Eddie out but Eddie’s hands were already roaming over him, tugging off his shirt and mapping his chest.

“It’s not much.” Richie said, sitting up as Eddie stared at him.

“It’s everything.” Eddie replied, pulling him back down and flipping them. Eddie pulled off his own shirt and Richie’s hands roamed over him, memorizing how Eddie’s skin felt under him. He was still hesitant, remembering the last time they had done something like this, but Eddie’s confidence helped. He wasn’t holding back, wasn’t timid, and Richie wanted to match him. Clothes were shed and soon they were moving against each other, naked and vulnerable.

“Have you done this before?” Richie asked, a finger circling Eddie’s hole. He wished he had lube, the last thing he wanted was a bad first experience.

“Not with someone else.” Eddie replied, moving and pressing a small bottle into Richie’s hand. 

“God Eds,” Richie kissed him again, trying to pour lube on his fingers as he did. He pressed one to Eddie’s hole, rubbing around it. “We can do this the other way if you’d rather. I don’t-”

“Stop.” Eddie ground down on him. “I want this. I want you in me Richie, I want to know what that feels like.” 

Richie moaned and finally pushed his finger in. Eddie gasped, tensing on him and Richie waited for him to adjust. He watched Eddie’s face transform from discomfort to pleasure then pushed in more, trying to find-

“Fuck!” Eddie gasped as Richie’s finger swept his prostate. “Oh shit Richie. God more, more.” 

Slowly Richie opened him up, taking his time and soaking in Eddie’s noises and how he tensed then relaxed over him. “Richie, I’m ready, please, I don’t want to wait.” 

That was all he needed, Richie removed his fingers and watched as Eddie ripped open a condom, rolling it on Richie before positioning himself over Richie. He lowered himself at a glacial pace and Richie had to grip the bed sheets to stop from bucking up. 

“Oh shit,” Eddie said once he was seated. “Oh Richie.” He squirmed on him, getting used to the feeling.

“You’re killing me here.” Richie told him as Eddie bounced experimentally. 

He bent down, pressing a light kiss to Richie’s lips. “Wreck me Richie.” 

“You’re going to kill me.” Richie said, thrusting his hips up into Eddie. Both moaned at the sensation, Eddie grinding down as Richie pushed up and god he’d never seen something so amazing. Eddie’s hands were on his chest, nails scratching him, while his head was tipped back in ecstasy. Richie’s hands were on Eddie’s hips, grounding them both as they moved. 

He’d never had a partner who looked so gorgeous, so open and honest. Each time Richie thrust more words spilled from Eddie’s mouth, quickly becoming pants and whines.

“More, Richie. God, more.” 

 Richie flipped them so he was on top of Eddie and started to thrust into him, long, slow thrusts that drove them both wild. He started pressing kisses wherever he could, Eddie’s neck and chest, his lips. 

“Richie, I’m so close.  _ Shit _ . You feel amazing.” Eddie asked, hands clawing at his back. 

“You too baby.” Richie gave him more, snapping his hips against Eddie. He felt himself building but wanted Eddie to come first. His hand roamed down and he gripped Eddie’s erection, moving it in time with his thrusts. Eddie gasped, arching into him, obscenities falling from his lips. 

Then, like before, Richie watched as Eddie tensed then came, spilling over them both. Only then did Richie let himself go, spilling into the condom as Eddie collapsed on him, both panting. 

“Eds, baby, don’t fall asleep.” Richie said, carding his clean hand through Eddie’s hair. “We need to get you into a bath.”

Eddie hummed against him. “I like when you call me that.”

Richie pressed a kiss to Eddie’s forehead. “Then I’ll call you it every day.” 

Eddie hummed happily, kissing Richie’s neck as he started to doze. 

As Richie rubbed circles into Eddie’s back he thought about the last few months, how much had changed and how much more would change. He thought about finding and losing Eddie and how he’d never had the chance to find Stan. He thought about things outside his control, like Pennywise and fate, and then, as Eddie kissed him again, he thought about the things he could control. 

“Let’s get in that bath.” Richie said, picking Eddie up as gently as he could. He couldn’t change fate or destiny but he could choose his reaction to it. Right now, the only thing he cared about was the man in his arms and how he felt as Richie carried him to the bathroom. And that was enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to finish this before chap 2 came out and I had the desire to write a whole new mess of fix it fics.  
> thank you all for the lovely comments and kudos!!

**Author's Note:**

> So uhhh that trailer huh? I started this forever ago to have ready for when the trailer dropped (I was foolishly optimistic) but look! There's finally a trailer and now theres a fic! Woohoo!


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